Initially I recieved a wave of support from friends and family, but now I look at my bike and wrap bandages around my arms and legs to hide the bleeding from the outside world. I walk around with this hidden trauma and pretend nothing happened. I looked at other people's car versus bike outcomes and feel lucky. Only, what do I do? I really think it's just a matter of time until the next driver is texting or drunk or just plain malicious and I find my life at the intersection of their actions again. How do I live my life from here? Am I afraid I'll fall down again? Am I too scared of the outside world to get back up?
Thursday, January 30, 2014
I keep remembering the side of an SUV coming at me and the side of the road moving towards me while I was upside down and off the ground. While I have been hobbling around campus and groaning as I sit down I realize one day I will die. There is a strange silence in my life right now. It's kind of like unknown to me, everything was building up to the events of last weekend and now there is just a quiet release.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Yesterday I was riding down White Rock Road for a little warmup before I turned onto Scott Road. I looked over my shoulder and saw an open road. I looked over again and there was an SUV flying into me at 50 mph. The SUV hit me and I remember being upside down and in the air. I watched the side of the road coming at me thought to myself to just roll. In some insane adrenaline I popped up and started hopping around to check for broken bones and make sure I was still alive. The car went through a fence and far into a field. I was hopping around I realized I had no major injuries. My leg was really injured from being hit my the car but nothing was broken severly. I grabbed my bike out of the road and waited for the paramedics. The driver of the SUV never got out of the car.
After the hospital I realized just how entirely lucky I am. I went home and found everything on my body was shredded. My helmet took all of the impact as I am pretty sure I remember landing on my head. My clothes are shredded. My arm warmers and leg warmers shredded. Even my shoes are destroyed. But I'm walking--a little slowly--but still walking.
Friday, January 24, 2014
Well...one semester of college left. I can make it, right? I have sort of been in a self-imposed cocoon. I realized I am really messed up from all that divorce stuff. I thought I did not care. Yeah, I guess I do care. What no one tells you when your spouse cheats on you is what is left behind in the dust is you. All I have is a painfully obvious trail of clues and some majorly telling memories that make me wonder where was my mind? So I have been staying up late and listening to Ted Talks and trying to relax as much as possible. I had fun visiting friends and managed to get the nastiest flu ever. So I guess one day I'll have to make a decision to trust myself again. I am certainly quick on picking up on all those clues now. I just wonder how I can want something so badly that I turn off my reason and live a lie. Of course when I'm wonder where my daughter is and whom she is with I think I can figure out how that happened...