myself vs myself

Why is it black or white?  Why am I always forced to choose between being a parent and having a relationship?  Between time for myself and time for my child?  Neither seem to exist together.  Of course I'm writing this on a particularly difficult day (father's day).  I think what is really hard is how hard I try and believe the lies I tell myself--the ones that rewrite the past.  

I have all these memories and I choose not to remember them.  I cannot love the woman I married because she lied, cheated, blackmailed and tore my life apart.  I did not have a perfect life but I never expected a perfect life.  So I plunge into a darkness that voids out all the joy I found giving all of myself to a life I never experienced.  I cannot acknowledge the fact that I liked being married.  Perhaps my problem is I afraid that if I dive off that cliff again I know how close the rocks are to the water--maybe I am too aware of the rocks.